Contemplation

I got my baby! His name is Winston and he is wonderful (when he isn't trying to eat my face). We decided on a bulldog. Let me tell you, it is alot of work! Everyday his wrinkles have to be cleaned, his feet cleaned, his belly washed, ears cleaned out. Nails trimmed once a week cause they are growing so fast. But he is so worth it. And such good practice for kids :) He def. tries my patience. Hopefully he will be fairly well potty trained by the time I go to Georgia so he is good for daddy.

Georgia is coming up fast! I'm really excited. This girl needs a vacation. Things have been rough lately. Work has been far less than great. Life has been stressful. I'm re-examining things and thinking about what I want to do, and I am pretty sure I have decided. Stay posted for life updates :)

I miss friends. So much. I have a great family support group here but am lacking friends. I don't really connect at all with the kids at work. They are all younger than me and go out and have fun and don't invite me because I am old and married. I know I am past the college stage of going out all the time... but some sort of connection would be good!

Busy week ahead. Tom's Aunt and Uncle and Cousins come on Thursday, so get to see them for a few days before they leave on the tour of USA... so much to do at home. Cleaning and laundry and lawn work and gardening. Plus getting my new plan in motion. An exciting time. Sure hope everything works out.

Well, this girl needs to get to bed.

Like the Energizer bunny

Yeah, I have the cutest dog ever... ;)

So, I have more energy now than I have had in years. It is very strange. I can go all day and not get tired. I can work and work outside or inside for hours and not get tired. I don't know where it is coming from. I love it.... but I don't get it.

Tom and I got in a fight over something sort of related to this last night. I am just so full of energy that I want to keep going and doing things and getting stuff done. When he is here he wants to sit and watch a movie or just sit and be together. I can't do that right now. I can't sit still. I need to be going and going. I think it is starting to drive him nuts. I am just so driven by ambition to get everything in the house done that needs to be and to get everything outside perfect that I have been neglecting our relationship. It feels like it is really starting to suffer. Like we never get to do anything together anymore because there is just so much stuff that needs done.

Like tonight. We were going to go swimming together, then went outside only to find that the flipping japanese beetles that had been infecting our garden have now overtaken our grapevines. So, I freaked out and decided that I needed to trim the grapevines back right that instant. And I proceded to continue to do so for a good two hours. He just doesn't understand it. I am so proud of this house. OUR first house. I want it to be perfect. I want to take good care of everything in it and around it. I hate it when there are dirty dishes left in the sink or kleenexes not picked up or little things left around all over. So I go and go and get everything cleaned up, picked up, put away, and taken care of. And then it is time for him to go to work.

I need to find a balance. I need to learn that not everything needs to be done at that instant or I think our relationship will continue to go downhill. I feel like I am turning into my grandpa. He is busy all day doing stuff inside and outside the house, and my grandma gets upset with him sometimes because he feels he needs to do all this stuff. He doesn't really like to go anywhere or take time away from the house because of this. At the same time I wonder why I have to change. Why can't he just learn to enjoy doing things around the house with me instead of complaining about me doing it? It is frustrating. Marriage can be frustrating. It is so rewarding, but hard sometimes. I know we have the love to make it through... it just sucks to be butting heads all the time lately, especially when we don't see each other all that often.


More marriages might survive if the partners realized that sometimes the better comes after the worse. ~Doug Larson

Might as well face it, I'm addicted....

to food.

I am. That is what makes weight loss so hard. It is an addiction. Like cigarettes or alcoholism. I quit smoking, but I've yet to really quit over eating. It is so hard! You need food to live. It isn't like cigarettes that you can give up on and don't need to use it ever again. But the feeling I get when I want a particular something to eat is the same knaw at you feeling that I would get when I needed a nicotine fix. I need to take control of my appetite. Own it, not let it own me. The photo above is of me about 4 years ago. I thought I was so fat then, but now it is my first goal. About 30 pounds away from where I am now. I've lost right near 15 since when I first moved to Iowa... but I don't feel any smaller. I think it is because I am so big. So, I'm going to work really hard. I'm going to get healthy.

No more embarassment because of the way I look. Pride, love for myself. That is what I want. It will be a long time coming, but I know I can do it. Having this house is great motivation. There are so many things to be done. Gardening, mowing, cleaning... tons of things to do. I am staying to busy.... that is when I don't even have time to think about food. As soon as I sit down and relax the feeling naws at me again. Eats away at me. I know I'm not hungry. I'm just bored and want something to do. I can't be happy just sitting, I need to be putting something in my mouth. How do I get over that? How do I find the strength. These are the questions that are yet to be answered.