Seeings as this is the week of the state fair, I decided to put together a list of why I love Iowa, and Iowa City.
Why I love Iowa:
Sweet corn
green fields
friendly people
legalized gay marriage
sweetcorn
Hawkeye football!
the sense of openess
one of the best economies in the nation
some of the happiest years of my life were spent here
overalls
farming
sweetcorn
still enough big cities to keep us keepin' it real
it makes you smile, and has fields of opportunities
veggies grow darn good here
it's in the midwest- a great place to live
But mostly... I just love the sweetcorn :) yum
Monday, August 17, 2009
Sunday, August 16, 2009
find someone to love and live everyday as if it were your last
Today I saw the most depressing movie I have seen in a long time. It wasn't bad movie at all, it just really, really bothered me. I'm talking about The Time Traveler's Wife (SPOILER ALERT COMING UP!!)
As soon as the moment in the movie came where you find out Henry is going to die when he is relatively young and when his daughter is only five my heart sank. His daughter is the first to find out. A five year old finding out her father is going to die within the next year. It is just heart wrenching. So, he dies... and it is sad. But, then he is able to time travel as a younger version of himself and come back and see his family after he is dead. And, his daughter is able to travel back in time and see him too. How unfair. I just became so angry at that point. That isn't the way life goes. What a bunch of shit. You can't see the people that die again, and you don't get to just travel through time- it gives no meaning to life and death at all!!
I know, I know. It is just a movie. But it hurt me so bad. I wanted to be that girl. I wanted to have that power. Growing up I remember praying and praying that I would just DREAM about my dad so I could see him again. Have one glimse of him after he was gone. I never did. I still don't. Henry's daughter got to see her father again. His wife got to hold her husband again. It's not fair. I wasn't even happy for them. I was heartbroken. Angry. Hurt. Bawling there in the theater at the unrealistic story line that was tearing me up inside.
Not a day goes by I don't think about my dad. Miss him. Wish he was here. Especially lately. I wonder if he would be the one to understand me. To see potential. To know that being good with money does not make you a good person. I wonder if he would love me even when I make mistakes. If he would have saved me from the pain I had to go though all those years.
I wish he was here for so many selfish reasons. To have been there to dance the father daughter dance. See me graduate. Hold his first grandchild. Hug me when I needed it. A safe place to run to when even "home" wasn't. To have been able to see more of my family. To hear the donald duck voice. To see how alike we are. Mom tells me I'm like him alot... even though it is usally one of the things she didn't like about him that I share. It still makes me happy to know I am like him. I wonder if he would make me keep secrets.
If only I could travel through time. If only he could travel through time. Show up at the pivotal moment I needed him the most. Escape to his arms. Lay my head on his big belly and hear his heart beat and stomach grumble. But life isn't like that. I know there has to be a greater reason for it all. But, right now I'm really not seeing it.
Right now I wish I was a character in a movie.
I love Tom so much. But it is days like this, moments like these, when I know that if it wasn't for him none of this would be worth it. Moments like this I slip back into the black hole of sadness and think of all the shitty things in life and wonder if it is all worth it and why I am even here. There has to be more to life than this. Arguments with family, being a constant disapointment. Wondering if life is worth it if no one but your spouse would really be affected if you were gone.
All my friends live hundreds of miles away... the relationships are fading. I'm not the same person I was when I knew them. I like to think I'm better... but I don't know. Apparently not. I'm just the same old failure walking through life with my head down. It seems wrong, somehow, that the overwhelming emotion I've had for most of my life is sadness. It hurts. Literally. I get chest pains and really bad cramping when I get really worked up about things. My life causes me physical pain. That just isn't right. I try and try to make things better, but get nowhere. I want so bad to go back to school so I can get a good job and prove something of myself. But, I know that even if I do that it won't really make a difference. I will still fail in one way or another.
Some battles you can't win. Right now it feels like life is one of those battles.
As soon as the moment in the movie came where you find out Henry is going to die when he is relatively young and when his daughter is only five my heart sank. His daughter is the first to find out. A five year old finding out her father is going to die within the next year. It is just heart wrenching. So, he dies... and it is sad. But, then he is able to time travel as a younger version of himself and come back and see his family after he is dead. And, his daughter is able to travel back in time and see him too. How unfair. I just became so angry at that point. That isn't the way life goes. What a bunch of shit. You can't see the people that die again, and you don't get to just travel through time- it gives no meaning to life and death at all!!
I know, I know. It is just a movie. But it hurt me so bad. I wanted to be that girl. I wanted to have that power. Growing up I remember praying and praying that I would just DREAM about my dad so I could see him again. Have one glimse of him after he was gone. I never did. I still don't. Henry's daughter got to see her father again. His wife got to hold her husband again. It's not fair. I wasn't even happy for them. I was heartbroken. Angry. Hurt. Bawling there in the theater at the unrealistic story line that was tearing me up inside.
Not a day goes by I don't think about my dad. Miss him. Wish he was here. Especially lately. I wonder if he would be the one to understand me. To see potential. To know that being good with money does not make you a good person. I wonder if he would love me even when I make mistakes. If he would have saved me from the pain I had to go though all those years.
I wish he was here for so many selfish reasons. To have been there to dance the father daughter dance. See me graduate. Hold his first grandchild. Hug me when I needed it. A safe place to run to when even "home" wasn't. To have been able to see more of my family. To hear the donald duck voice. To see how alike we are. Mom tells me I'm like him alot... even though it is usally one of the things she didn't like about him that I share. It still makes me happy to know I am like him. I wonder if he would make me keep secrets.
If only I could travel through time. If only he could travel through time. Show up at the pivotal moment I needed him the most. Escape to his arms. Lay my head on his big belly and hear his heart beat and stomach grumble. But life isn't like that. I know there has to be a greater reason for it all. But, right now I'm really not seeing it.
Right now I wish I was a character in a movie.
I love Tom so much. But it is days like this, moments like these, when I know that if it wasn't for him none of this would be worth it. Moments like this I slip back into the black hole of sadness and think of all the shitty things in life and wonder if it is all worth it and why I am even here. There has to be more to life than this. Arguments with family, being a constant disapointment. Wondering if life is worth it if no one but your spouse would really be affected if you were gone.
All my friends live hundreds of miles away... the relationships are fading. I'm not the same person I was when I knew them. I like to think I'm better... but I don't know. Apparently not. I'm just the same old failure walking through life with my head down. It seems wrong, somehow, that the overwhelming emotion I've had for most of my life is sadness. It hurts. Literally. I get chest pains and really bad cramping when I get really worked up about things. My life causes me physical pain. That just isn't right. I try and try to make things better, but get nowhere. I want so bad to go back to school so I can get a good job and prove something of myself. But, I know that even if I do that it won't really make a difference. I will still fail in one way or another.
Some battles you can't win. Right now it feels like life is one of those battles.
Monday, August 10, 2009
It's Been Awhile...
My apologies. It's been awhile since I've made it on here. (the pic is a turtle at the Georgia Aquarium)
Last week I went to Georgia and visited some of my dad's family. It was so great to see them and spend time with them. I haven't gotten to do alot of that since he passed away... so it meant alot to me to be able to get down there. Georgia is a really beautiful state- so much green!
Things between Tom and I were a little rough before I left for Georgia. I am finding out that marriage is harder than I ever knew. But, it is also so, so worth it. I'm working really hard to be more patient and understanding with him. I don't want to be so stressed about about things anymore or be so high strung. It isn't good for me, and it isn't good for our relationship. He is so good for me and the best thing that has ever happened to me. If it wasn't for him, I don't know where I would be. Since I've been back, things have been great! I saw the way a really great couple works while I was in Georgia. And, I was reminded over again that love can make it even in tough times. My grandparents were married for over 60 years!! My aunt and uncle for 40! Marriage can work! I think I forget that because my parents ended in divorce. That is why I had fear about getting married in the first place. I never, ever want to do that to my children. I want them to see their parents grow old together and see the love we share every single day. Sickness and health, better or for worst, as long as we both shall live. I need to remember the vows and be so grateful for the gift God has given me. Love, amazing, pure, and sometimes HARD love.
Adding to stress- starting a new job and school at the same time. STRESSFUL! Money is uber tight right now. The mortgage is due with my next paycheck, and there won't be much to spare after that. Things will get better in Sept.- Lots of overtime coming the Hub's way. This is definately one of those worst times :) But I am looking on the bright side (and praying it won't cost too much to fix the water heater!) Things will be okay. Just gotta keep the head up and the smile on!
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