find someone to love and live everyday as if it were your last

Today I saw the most depressing movie I have seen in a long time. It wasn't bad movie at all, it just really, really bothered me. I'm talking about The Time Traveler's Wife (SPOILER ALERT COMING UP!!)

As soon as the moment in the movie came where you find out Henry is going to die when he is relatively young and when his daughter is only five my heart sank. His daughter is the first to find out. A five year old finding out her father is going to die within the next year. It is just heart wrenching. So, he dies... and it is sad. But, then he is able to time travel as a younger version of himself and come back and see his family after he is dead. And, his daughter is able to travel back in time and see him too. How unfair. I just became so angry at that point. That isn't the way life goes. What a bunch of shit. You can't see the people that die again, and you don't get to just travel through time- it gives no meaning to life and death at all!!

I know, I know. It is just a movie. But it hurt me so bad. I wanted to be that girl. I wanted to have that power. Growing up I remember praying and praying that I would just DREAM about my dad so I could see him again. Have one glimse of him after he was gone. I never did. I still don't. Henry's daughter got to see her father again. His wife got to hold her husband again. It's not fair. I wasn't even happy for them. I was heartbroken. Angry. Hurt. Bawling there in the theater at the unrealistic story line that was tearing me up inside.

Not a day goes by I don't think about my dad. Miss him. Wish he was here. Especially lately. I wonder if he would be the one to understand me. To see potential. To know that being good with money does not make you a good person. I wonder if he would love me even when I make mistakes. If he would have saved me from the pain I had to go though all those years.

I wish he was here for so many selfish reasons. To have been there to dance the father daughter dance. See me graduate. Hold his first grandchild. Hug me when I needed it. A safe place to run to when even "home" wasn't. To have been able to see more of my family. To hear the donald duck voice. To see how alike we are. Mom tells me I'm like him alot... even though it is usally one of the things she didn't like about him that I share. It still makes me happy to know I am like him. I wonder if he would make me keep secrets.

If only I could travel through time. If only he could travel through time. Show up at the pivotal moment I needed him the most. Escape to his arms. Lay my head on his big belly and hear his heart beat and stomach grumble. But life isn't like that. I know there has to be a greater reason for it all. But, right now I'm really not seeing it.

Right now I wish I was a character in a movie.

I love Tom so much. But it is days like this, moments like these, when I know that if it wasn't for him none of this would be worth it. Moments like this I slip back into the black hole of sadness and think of all the shitty things in life and wonder if it is all worth it and why I am even here. There has to be more to life than this. Arguments with family, being a constant disapointment. Wondering if life is worth it if no one but your spouse would really be affected if you were gone.

All my friends live hundreds of miles away... the relationships are fading. I'm not the same person I was when I knew them. I like to think I'm better... but I don't know. Apparently not. I'm just the same old failure walking through life with my head down. It seems wrong, somehow, that the overwhelming emotion I've had for most of my life is sadness. It hurts. Literally. I get chest pains and really bad cramping when I get really worked up about things. My life causes me physical pain. That just isn't right. I try and try to make things better, but get nowhere. I want so bad to go back to school so I can get a good job and prove something of myself. But, I know that even if I do that it won't really make a difference. I will still fail in one way or another.

Some battles you can't win. Right now it feels like life is one of those battles.