Only when we are no longer afraid do we begin to live. -Dorothy Thompson

Things I want to do in my life:

- join the Peace Corps
-find a church that fits me
- birth a baby by water birth
- never smoke again
-meet my goal weight and maintain it
- never miss a day of telling Tom I love him
-travel to India
- own a Mustang
- glorify God
- truly forgive
- be a mom
- paint a mural
- climb a mountain
- learn to swim
- live in England for at least 5 years
- have my own dark room
- drive up/down the east and west coasts
- visit a vineyard
- learn to love myself


That's a start.

I'm so excited for tomorrow. The day we finally move into our very first house. Watched Jon and Kate plus 8 tonight. Can I just say I am so disappointed at them for not fighting harder for their marriage? I hope I never stop fighting for my marriage. Enough about that!

I need to attempt to get some sleep here...

All love that has not friendship for its base is like a mansion built upon the sand. Ella Wheeler Wilcox:

I married my best friend. I can honestly say that is the most amazing thing I have ever done, and the best thing I have ever done. How wonderful! I knew from the moment I met him that this guy was something special, that I never wanted to be apart from him. Something clicked so amazingly, like nothing ever had before. I knew this man was sent for me and I for him. The bond we share is unlike anything I have experience, and beyond anything I could ever hope for.

Sometimes I dream about what our life will be like. What our children will be like, how their personalities will be. Where we will end up. I don't know the answer to any of that. All I know is that I will be there with him, my best friend. God opened my eyes to love the day I met Tom. Before him I had no real aspirations for love or a relationship... I was young and having fun. I didn't even know if I wanted to get married. Or if I would simply travel the world and have random lovers here and there. I thought that sounded so exotic. Travel the world and meet new people, live with reckless abandon. Then I met Tom.

Everything changed. I changed. Suddenly I wasn't as irresponcible anymore. I had someone I cared about more than myself to think about before I did something stupid (and believe me, I did ALOT of stupid things back in the day). He showed me love so pure and so true it was almost too good to be true. I wondered if it was. I looked for excuses, reasons why I didn't believe him. I pushed him away, I tested his boundaries. I wasn't the best girlfriend to him. But he stayed. He loved me so much he stayed. I was afraid to let anyone in, to love anyone new for fear I would loose them. This man was different though. This man understood me better than I understood myself.

He and I started talking online via facebook. I would read the notes he wrote and his words were so wonderful. I was so drawn to this man I didn't even know through the words he wrote. I had to meet him. A very bold move on my part, usually the shy type waiting for the man to make the first move. When I walked into the bar that night, I didn't know what to expect. My stomach was turning knots. To tell the truth, it didn't go that well at first. We were both horribly shy. We sat, made small talk. I knew I liked him, I had fallen for him before I even met him. I was so horrified he didn't like me in return. The beer was flowing, and the music ended and he left. We said our goodbyes. Things felt so incomplete when he left. I immediately texted him and asked him to come back and go to a friends with me. The rest is history. We spent the entire night together on her couch. Talking for hours and hours about everything. Both of us were far too excited to fall asleep. I kissed him first :) My nose was red for days after that from all the eskimo kisses we shared. It even started peeling like a sunburn. I looked like Rudolph but didn't care because I had found him. My beloved.

Four months later he asked me to marry him and gave me a piece of string for an engagement ring until he could get a real one. I still have that piece of green string. That was one of the most wonderful days of my life. A year and 5 months after that I became his wife.

I tell him all the time, but feel like I still haven't been able to express just how much I love him, and just how much he means to me. I don't have the words to tell him how much he has done for me, and how gratefull I am that he is my other half. My soul mate. My very best friend.

Would you still say you love me Under this ordinary moonlight?

It's a big girl world now
Full of big girl things
And everyday I wish I was small
I've been counting on nothing
But he keeps giving me his word
And I am tired of hearing myself speak
Do you ever get weary?
Do you ever get weak?
How do you dream
When you can't fall asleep?

Some lyrics from Kendall Payne. Been listening to a couple of her songs... pretty powerful stuff.

Had book club the other night. There is such a great group of people. All walks of life with so many stories to tell. A 40 something divorced author with life knowledge some can only imagine, a woman from Pakistan that gives us insight into a different part of the world, a traveling nurse starting her life adventure... the combination of us all with so many different stories and experiences makes for wonderful conversation. I'm so glad my sister in law invited me to be part of this group. You learn alot about yourself by hearing what others have to say.

We ate at the most wonderful indian restaurant. The food was fantastic. I love Indian food. The explosion of flavors in your mouth... the way it makes you feel like you are traveling to another country just by letting your taste buds explore. I could never sicken of great Indian food. I love this city, because there is such a large Indian community- which equals plenty of wonderful Indian restaurants to enjoy. I really wish I would have know how wonderful the cuisine was when I lived in London. London is known for their delicious Indian food (because to be honest, the British themselves can't exactly cook that great). I had my mom whispering in my ear while I was there, telling me that this food was weird... so I thought I wouldn't like it. Man was she wrong. (although she still refuses to believe it is as delicious as I find it) Wow. I am really craving some Chicken Tikki Marsala right now.

So... this lead to my selection for our next book for book club- Eat, Pray, Love. It is such a wonderful book about a womans journey to find herself after a bad divorce. She goes to Italy, India, and Indonesia. It Italy she eats, in India she prays, and in Indonesia she loves. I have read it before, but I feel that it so much fits into what I am seeking in my life right now. A journey of self acceptance, of learning to love yourself, of praying and trusting that the right thing will happen. I'm going to read it again. I know this time it will effect me much deeper than it did the first time I read it, when everything was still all bottled up and jumbled around inside.

I owe so many people in my life an apology for my behavior at times. For my anger that sweeps in like a monster and I lose control of. I can't ask them to forget, but I hope they can forgive. I hope they know that I am trying so hard to make this journey a successful one, and that I won't stop until I do. This is for me, but also for all of you. Thanks for your patience and your love. It means more than you could ever know.

My stubborn will is learning to bend -Kendall Payne

Sometimes all it takes is an apology.

Knowing you are understood, even a little and to hear that someone who hurt you is sorry for what happened. It means so much to me to have finally heard that. The weight was lifted from my chest and it feels so good to know that.... and to feel it is true.

I will never know why the things have happened in my life the way they have. I can only have faith that there is a reason for all the madness. The pain will make me stronger and the happiness will give me the strength to keep going and see what all is in store for me. All I can do is know that I am who I am because of what has happened to me. I've been through some tough shit. We all have. I need to stop feeling sorry for myself and start living my life. I have made it through so much, I deserve happiness. I deserve it. For the first time I am starting to see that. I'm not meant to be on this earth to waste time being sad and angry for things I have no control over. I will prevail. God doesn't want me to be sad. He wants me to live and love and be happy. It is time to do that. I've always thought I didn't deserve love and happiness because I didn't come from love. Today I learned I did. It might not have been the fairytale kind dreams are made of, but it was love. True and pure.

I am so, so blessed with so much love in my life. It has taken me so long to realize this and be grateful for this, how sad is that. I have found my one true love is this whole world. I pushed him away in the past when I felt scared. I didn't want to lose someone I love ever again, so I pushed. I am so lucky and so blessed that he stayed. I never want to put him through that again. I want him to know that I love him so, so much. He is my soul mate and it amazes me how we know each other so entirely after only two and a half years of knowing one another. He is the most amazing gift God has ever given me. I am so blessed. I am so loved. That is amazing.

Life is too short to sleep on low thread-count sheets. ~Leah Stussy

I'm a tired girl tonight.

Not a whole lot to write about really. Tom picked up his packet to run for city council. Just have to get 250 signatures to support him by August and we are good to go. I told him I was going to paint a huge sign for in our new yard getting everyone in the neighborhood to vote for him :)

Need to do some serious packing this weekend. Can't believe we are less than a week away now. Already getting some plans for entertaining set up. Having a grill out the day after the 4th of July for Tom's family and the Ettemas (really good family friends). My brother and his wife are coming the weekend of the 18th... and I need to set up a housewarming party with my girl Ho and Coly and anyone else that wants to come from Mankato.

On a serious note.... I've found that mending fences is very, very hard especially when there are two very stubborn people involved. Sometimes you've just got to agree to disagree and just try to get along. Life is too flipping short to spend it arguing and bickering all the time. It's very frustrating because some things never change and probably never will. Just have to make the most of the now I guess. I can't change my feelings and emotions easily, if at all. Time doesn't always heal everything... sometimes things fester and only get worst. And that is when it really starts to effect you and suck. Maybe when we move I will start to paint again. Painting is good for the soul :) I need some sort of outlet for when things get tough for me. Something healthy. Not food or booze or cigarettes (although I haven't had one of those in 2.5 months! Go me!) I need to start walking and exercising again. I love taking Sophie for walks (my yorkie)... but living here the other two big dogs whine to go all the time and I can't handle them all. So, needless to say, I just avoid the hassle of trying to sneak her out the door and fight them.

I have to loose ten pounds by August 1st to get my boxer. That is the deal I made with Tom. I think it is totally worth it and a good reward to look forward to. Plus, then I will do lots of dog walking!

This girl is hitting the hay. Night all.

In August I get one of these...

I'm just a little bit excited :) His name will be Charlie, and I already have his collar all picked out. He will be my protector on the nights Tom is at work :) I grew up with a boxer, it was pretty much one of the best dogs ever. Tom told me that after we got the house I could get a puppy, so I'm making him make good on his promise.

Watching the movie "Henry pool is here" Pretty good movie I must say. Very touching so far. They see Jesus' face in Stucco... kinda crazy.

I'm really full. We had deliciously amazing homemade tamales tonight. Very tasty. Ate one too many though. Between them and my Jimmy Johns for lunch I used up all my points for the day. None left for dessert :( There is some pretty yummy looking fruit in the fridge though, so I might have to use one of my allowed extra points and eat some of that. Strawberry goodness!

OH, and I totally bleached my hair blond last night. Spur of the moment decision. I kinda like it though. Tom and I were enjoying a drink and the next thing I knew I was like "I wanna be blond!" so I did it. Crazy!

I think this whole self improvement journey is going pretty well. I'm feeling very happy the last few days. Maybe it is just the excitement of everything... maybe it is something more and I am on to something good here. I hope so. It will be so good to finally have this weight off my chest. It's been there for a decade, time to get rid of it. Happiness has it's ups.

“I'm not a diva. I'm a tadpole trying to be a frog.”

Somewhat adventurous day. Tom took me to Coralville Lake. I, having just moved to these parts not long ago, had no idea this beautiful place even existed. We tromped around the fossil gorge, which had been even more unearthed after last years flooding. I saw two snakes! Snakes are so cool. I told Tom that if our children ever wanted to get a pet snake I would have an awful hard time saying no, so he better be prepared. :) There were also tons and tons and tons of tadpoles! I want to go back everyweek until they sprout legs. They are so cute. We drove around a bit and looked at the hugely ginormous houses by the lake too. These people are insane. There was one that was designed to look like a castle. It was like it's own fortress. So cool, yet so huge!

Took the dogs to the dog park again today to. What a beautiful day... it was cloudy earlier, but now the sun is starting to show it's face. I think I'm going to put a sundress on and go sit outside and read this book I need to read for my book club on Thursday. I haven't even started it, I better get a move on.

Been having some serious issues with my uterus lately. This might be too much information, but if anyone has dealt with anything simalar and knows what might be going on let me know. Last month I bled every other day for almost two weeks. Some very painful catch you breath sort of cramping too. Never much bleeding at all though. Just felt like there was alot going on down there. Well, it has been okay for a few weeks but now it has started to get those bad cramps again. They aren't horrible or anything, just uncomfortable. I'm sure it is caused by stress. Buying this house and having old crap brought up again is not doing my uterus any favors. Need to go to the gyno in August anyway... so we'll see what happen till then. It sure isn't fun though. Maybe it is just my body trying to get used to not being on pills anymore... who knows.

Just over one week till closing day on the house. I am so flipping excited! I need to look into how much it is to rent one of those wall paper steamer remover things so we can get the kitchen wallpaper down and get to painting it yellow! We are doing a mexican theme it there with all reds and blacks and yellows. Got some new bowls with chile peppers on them and everything. I think I am going to attempt to tile the backsplat as well with some natural looking tiles. This is all so exciting. Got a new grill last weekend. We were so blessed to have some of the members of our wedding party get a us a gift certificate for a grill. Finally found the perfect one. Can't wait to set it up and get started grilling!

Tom and I are going to use a mini grill we got for a wedding present tonight to grill, that will do till we get to the house and can set up the big one. Still need to try to find a lawn mower... that will be important. I have a list of things I need to find. Got a hoe for our garden at a garage sale for a buck yesterday! And patio furniture for both the front and the back porch last weekend. Things are slowly coming together, I just can't wait to get in there and get it all set up :)

Gonna go do some reading... I love summer.

Good movie!

Benjamin Button: [Voice over; letter to his daughter] For what it's worth: it's never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There's no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you're proud of. If you find that you're not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again.

Our lives are defined by opportunities, even the ones we miss.

You can be as mad as a mad dog at the way things went. You could swear, curse the fates, but when it comes to the end, you have to let go.

I want to be dipped

So, I decided that my goal weight is 160. But my first goal is to be thin enough that my husband can dip me. :) I was looking at an old classmates engagement photos, and there was one of her fiance dipping her, and I thought "geez, that would be nice." I want to feel that sensation. That is my goal!

The greatest mistake you can make in life is to be continually fearing you will make one.

Decisions. They are so hard to make. Well, now they are. Sometimes they are easy. Sometimes I rush into things far too fast for my own good, and that isn't good either. I need to decide what to do with my life. This doesn't have to be a forever career, but it does have to be one that I want to do for the next ten or more years. Lately I've been thinking about teaching. It is scary though, because I am so afraid that after I go through all that schooling there won't be a job in the area for me. I could always substitute. That wouldn't be bad at all. I just need to grab life by the non existant balls and run for it. I need to decide what is best for me, and for my little family unit.

What subject? What age group? That is the next query I have. Science or art. Science seems much more stable since so many schools are cutting budgets and along with that cutting the arts. Science is pretty safe. And is so interesting! You never stop learning about science. I loved it in High School. I thought about going into genetics for awhile, but decided on nursing instead. How do you know when you made the right decision? I love creativity. That is why I love art so much. The way it makes me feel inside. Content for a moment as I am painting something. I want to pray about this, but I don't know how to interpret what God is telling me to do.

Does that make sense? I talk to God but I don't understand what he is saying back. I wish there was a clear answer and obvious suggestions coming from Him. All I have is me taking. It makes me feel good. I feel something different when I talk to Him. Something I can't describe, but I know it is different than talking to a friend, family, or even my husband. I feel like I bother Him with these things. Like God has so many better things to do than listen to me trying to figure out my future, yet again. Does that make sense? Does any of this make sense?

Tom is going to teach social studies. He has a definate goal and knows exactly what he wants to do. I wish I had that desire. I toss so many different things around but nothing sticks. Obviously Interior Design wasn't the right thing for me. I knew that long before I was done with the program, but didn't want to quit something else before I was finished, so I kept on with it. Where did that get me? Knowhere. I just might as well have saved my money and quit. That's why I don't want to jump into this without really thinking about it first. I don't want to make another mistake with my life.... especially one that costs thousands of dollars to accomplish.

Boo. This is so hard to figure out.

Onto another subject, I am trying a new church tomorrow. I need to find a church home where I belong, where I feel welcome. Where I can get to meet new people and friends and have another support system. I want to find one where the joy is outstanding! One that you can feel it as soon as you walk in... these are people that love worshiping and love the Lord they worship. That is another leg of my quest- find a church. No better time to start that then now. An old friend of mine from Middle School invited me to come to her church. I admire her faith and see how she radiates joy and love- so I am giving her church a try.

I'm a person that likes to sing and clap and be joyful in worship. Tom was raised Catholic, and he doesn't understand that so we have a hard time finding a church we can go to together. I would love to find one that works for us together... but I honestly don't know if that will happen when what we want out of a service is so different from one another. The singing makes him uncomfortable... and I understand that. But that is how I feel I worship the best and get the most connected to God. We might just have to go to seperate churches. Other couples do it and make it work. We'll see what the future holds.

I made banana bread today. It looks really good, so I sure hope it tastes as good as it smells. I'm holding out hope.

Gosh darn it, today has been a pretty good day :)

What a blah, crappy day today. I sure hope it clears up soon. These are the days that make you want to curl up in a ball and sleep all day. I had a bad night last night. Very emotional one. I laid it all out on the line with someone I love, and now I regret it. I don't like to hurt people... but they asked for it. It won't make any difference and doesn't change a darn thing, so I don't really see the point of all the tears. So... needless to say I binged on crackers and pasta and felt like a stuffed hog. Obviously I need to get my emotional eating under control bigtime. I am still full this morning. Couldn't even eat a good breakfast like I should. Going to be good for the rest of the weekend. Gotta get back on track!

I need to change my weigh ins from Thursday to Monday starting this week. Since with my new schedule and not being in the vault anymore, I will have to work past 5:30 on Thursdays. Monday meetings are at 7, so that is nice. I dread not having a whole week to work on it though. I'm sure the scale will be up after a night like last night.

I think I will take the dogs to the dog park later. Hopefully the rain will stay away and it will clear up a bit so I can do that. I'm also going to make a trip to the farmer's market. Hopefully get something yummy to eat tonight.

Met with home loan dude last night. How depressing. Since I am scheduled for 38 hrs a week, but work 40 (we are scheduled 38 because we always have overtime, and this way we avoid going over 40) my debt to income ratio was a little bit too high because they have to go by what I am scheduled. So, I had to buy my rate down to 4.5%, which is a good thing.... but also a bad thing. It is going to cost me an extra 1600 bucks that I hadn't planned on and don't have right now. Tom has this new job that only gets paid once a month, so we will have plenty on the 1st of July... but closing is the 23rd of June. Boooooo! I think we are going to have to beg on our hands and knees for his parents to lend us the money for a week until he gets paid. I sure hope they can or I don't know what we will do. We might have to sell Tom's body on craigslist :) I just have faith that it will all work out, and the bills I have paid off already will make up for at least 1000 of that so maybe we'll only need 600 more. Buying a house is the most stressful thing I have ever done. I take that back. Wedding planning and dealing with both sides trying to get me to change my plans was the most stressful.... this, however is a hefty bump in the road. He said he won't have a grand total of what I need to pay until the day before closing or even the day of because they need to get everything all calculated up. What an ordeal. First I find out I have to pay off the car too, because it is in both our names... now this. Sometimes I think this just isn't meant to be, but then I drive past the house one more time and think of how wonderful it will be and it all seems worth it.

It all seems very grown up. Buying a house, trying to start a family. It is really scary. I'm not a kid anymore. I'm married, buying a house, and planning a life. Wow. Talk about responcibility. But talk about fun!! I can't wait to caulk the bathroom, clean out the gutters, garden, mow, clean, paint, and do everything that comes with home ownership. What a sense of pride to own something like that and know what it will mean to you and your family. I am so greatful to have been able to do this. Everything happens for a reason. I saw that sign and made the call and fell in love with what would become our first home. It saddens me that dad can't be here to see it, but I hope he knows that he made this possible for me. Without the money I was left after he died this wouldn't have been possible. I would have had to live in an apartment for years and years. Hopefully he can see it from up there and be proud of me. Cause I'm kinda proud of me :)

Good results

3.6 lbs down this first week!! I know it won't stay that good every week, and that is okay. It is a start on a long process.

Today is such a beautiful day. The sun is shining, and the weather is perfect. I even got a bit of a sunburn walking home.

I've been told not to write personal stuff on here anymore... so I guess I will respect the wishes and try my best to not let my emotions get ahold of me. The truth is, there is alot in my soul that hurts, and doing this helped a little bit. But, I am not going to fight to defend my rantings, so I am just going to avoid talking about it. Just like I have for my entire life. Happy now?

My starting weight... photo taken a few weeks ago (I'm on the right in the pink dress)

A Journey of a thousand miles begins with one step...

Here we go ladies and gentlemen.

I am starting a journey. One of the most important journeys of my life. I am devoting myself to a healthier life, in all aspects; Physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Some may call it finding oneself, I call it a hunt for happiness and self love and appreciation.

I've been beating myself up for too long and handling situations the wrong way at time. I get angry, and frustrated, and have no good way of expressing myself anymore. That is what this is for. Venting, answering my own questions, and trying to figure myself out. I know I have become the way I am at my own accord. And I want to change that. I hold too much in, and I eat alot and can become self destructive because of this. Eating is not going to solve anything, and either is holding everything in.

In all honesty, I can't afford a therapist. And that is what this is about. You may learn things about me you don't care to know, and that is okay. This is more for me than it is for you. Feel free to jump in and comment, help me on this journey. It will be a lifelong trek, and that I know. I'm ready for it.

Last week I started going to weight watchers. There is only so much that eating right can do for me, I need to get to the bottom of when my eating habits got out of control so I don't fall into the same habits again. I have been a "big girl" for as long as I can remember. I think I really started feeding my emotional void with food when my dad died when I was twelve. He killed himself after a night of drinking. The unanswered questions I had for him and his wife of the time (who was there the night it happened and chose to leave for a walk when she knew he was in danger of hurting himself) ate at me for a long, long time. And still do till this day. I don't really know how to explain what a traumatic experience like this does to the life of a young person. Basically it turns everything upside down and backwards and keeps it spinning so you don't know which way is up anymore. You blame yourself. I was twelve and I blamed myself. I thought I didn't love him enough... and if I did he would have thought of me at the final moment and saved himself. This is what was weighing on my chest for years. Did he know I loved him, did he understand that I needed him?

Shortly after his death, we moved to Minnesota. I certainly wasn't happy about that. I wasn't popular, didn't make friends easily, and quit softball and volleyball. I didn't fit in. Things turned around eventually, but the scale kept going up and up. I eventually found a group of friends that I really fit in with and became like sisters to me. I also found a side of my faith I never knew. I became active in youth groups and mission trips... but it was always more for the social aspect. I really came to love God the year we went to Denver.... It is a long story, but my life was changed when we went there. Something changed in my heart.

That faith has come and gone over the years, and that is what brings on that part of my journey- the spiritual side. I want to find my faith again. I want to welcome the Lord in my heart and have Him work in me again. I want to find a balance of faith and life that I feel comfortable with, and establish my beliefs (something I have put off for too long because I thought it was just to hard) I have begun praying regularly, and having conversations with God. It amazes me what comes up in these conversations. So many things left unsaid. So many things I have found to be grateful for instead of focusing on the bad.

This blog is going to be a random throw up of anything I am thinking. Anything that comes up in this quest I am on. Hopefully it won't be too boring...

I think that is enough of an intro for now. Welcome to my journey.