A Journey of a thousand miles begins with one step...

Here we go ladies and gentlemen.

I am starting a journey. One of the most important journeys of my life. I am devoting myself to a healthier life, in all aspects; Physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Some may call it finding oneself, I call it a hunt for happiness and self love and appreciation.

I've been beating myself up for too long and handling situations the wrong way at time. I get angry, and frustrated, and have no good way of expressing myself anymore. That is what this is for. Venting, answering my own questions, and trying to figure myself out. I know I have become the way I am at my own accord. And I want to change that. I hold too much in, and I eat alot and can become self destructive because of this. Eating is not going to solve anything, and either is holding everything in.

In all honesty, I can't afford a therapist. And that is what this is about. You may learn things about me you don't care to know, and that is okay. This is more for me than it is for you. Feel free to jump in and comment, help me on this journey. It will be a lifelong trek, and that I know. I'm ready for it.

Last week I started going to weight watchers. There is only so much that eating right can do for me, I need to get to the bottom of when my eating habits got out of control so I don't fall into the same habits again. I have been a "big girl" for as long as I can remember. I think I really started feeding my emotional void with food when my dad died when I was twelve. He killed himself after a night of drinking. The unanswered questions I had for him and his wife of the time (who was there the night it happened and chose to leave for a walk when she knew he was in danger of hurting himself) ate at me for a long, long time. And still do till this day. I don't really know how to explain what a traumatic experience like this does to the life of a young person. Basically it turns everything upside down and backwards and keeps it spinning so you don't know which way is up anymore. You blame yourself. I was twelve and I blamed myself. I thought I didn't love him enough... and if I did he would have thought of me at the final moment and saved himself. This is what was weighing on my chest for years. Did he know I loved him, did he understand that I needed him?

Shortly after his death, we moved to Minnesota. I certainly wasn't happy about that. I wasn't popular, didn't make friends easily, and quit softball and volleyball. I didn't fit in. Things turned around eventually, but the scale kept going up and up. I eventually found a group of friends that I really fit in with and became like sisters to me. I also found a side of my faith I never knew. I became active in youth groups and mission trips... but it was always more for the social aspect. I really came to love God the year we went to Denver.... It is a long story, but my life was changed when we went there. Something changed in my heart.

That faith has come and gone over the years, and that is what brings on that part of my journey- the spiritual side. I want to find my faith again. I want to welcome the Lord in my heart and have Him work in me again. I want to find a balance of faith and life that I feel comfortable with, and establish my beliefs (something I have put off for too long because I thought it was just to hard) I have begun praying regularly, and having conversations with God. It amazes me what comes up in these conversations. So many things left unsaid. So many things I have found to be grateful for instead of focusing on the bad.

This blog is going to be a random throw up of anything I am thinking. Anything that comes up in this quest I am on. Hopefully it won't be too boring...

I think that is enough of an intro for now. Welcome to my journey.