Goal Weight #1 met!

YAAAAYYY! I am so happy I nearly cried telling my husband this morning that I had met my first goal weight. It is an amazing thing to accomplish and I am so proud of myself. But, I also know that I am only in the beginning stages of the battle and have a loooonnnnggg way to go before my ultimate goal of 180. (which will be re-evaluated once I get to that weight depending on my health and appearance at that weight, but it is a starting point ultimate goal- cause I have no idea what it will even look like!) But, am that much closer. And the battle doesn't seem so huge considering i have lost over ten pounds since the beginning of this month and close to 25 since I left Mankato. I'm tempted to try on an old pair of size 17/18 maurices jeans... but I think it might be a little soon for that. The end of next month I will try.

So, I am rewarding myself for this weight loss- not by eating something really bad for me (which is really flipping tempting-Hello Buffalo Wild Wings!), but by spending this fab. fall day with my little family. Tom and I are going to go to the Apple Orchard! Gonna pick out some pumpkins and some apples and enjoy the fall. Then, we are headed to City High's 70th b-day celebration so Tom can mingle with old teachers and hopefully maybe even talk one into letting him come volunteer for awhile so he can get those volunteer hours for his teaching program. I am so proud of that man- he has been plugging away on his thesis, doing well in his classes, working major overtime and bringing in major bank to help us pay down our dept and even make a hefty investment in savings. Life is good. I am blessed. What a beautiful day!!!

Intake: not determined for the day- but lunch will be fish and french fries and peas (fish and chips! yay!)

Weight: 237.8 :)

Next goal 230 pounds by Oct. 31st

lawn mowers kick my ass

So, today I decided to mow the front yard. Usually, I mow the back and my wonderful hubby mows the front for me. He always says how thick the grass is, and I banter with him and call him a pussy. I found one thing out today- he ain't lyin'! That grass is thick. We just have a push mower- no, not a gas powered one, one of the old school rotating blade ones. Trying to "go green" and all. Big mistake. Needless to say, it was a great workout. But, I had to quit on the other side of the driveway cause I couldn't even move the thing. Think it may be time to invest in a power one before next season. My back hurts!

Today's intake:
100 calorie snack- 100
turkey hotdog-100
salad w/ dressing- 80
mac n'cheese 380
tuna- 70
taco bell (two fresco thingies) 510
fiber one bar- 170
pretzels- 110

total= 1520 Not bad!

Wt. 241.8 (stayed the same- sort of bummed since this is the first day I haven't lost anything :( at least I didn't gain though)

So I saw a girl today at hyvee buy nothing but crystal light water mix ins, diet pills, and 7 packages of stimulant laxatives. WOW. Think she needs help, like now.

Got myself an appt. to see the lady doc next month. Woo HOo! (can you sense the sarcasm?) Hopefully she will tell me that I just need to lose 50 more pounds and take some super fertility drugs and we will be Tom and Ali plus 9 :) (minus the whole divorce part) But hopefully by that point I will be down a total of 15-20 pounds and maybe my body will start ovulating all by itself! Wouldn't that just be fantastic! I want a baby in my belly for christmas! :) It will happen when it is meant to, I just have to trust!

smell of wine and cheap perfume

Youtube glee and watch them perform awesome songs. Do it! Like, now!

Good day today. Long day at work though, so this girl is going to take the dogs out one last time and hit the hay.

food:
cereal with milk- 280
salad with sliced turkey and low fat dressing- 125
100 cal snack bag- 100
fruit snacks- 90
soup-120
small bag fritos- 160
more cereal with milk- 300
apple-free

total= 1175

NICE!

Weight- 241.8

Now that was depressing

The biggest loser premiered tonight. That show makes me cry more than flipping extreme makeover home edition. I've never actually watched a season of that show, but somehow it seemed fitting to watch others such as myself on their journey. If there is one thing I learned from the show- I need to exercise more! those people work out like crazy. Don't have to work till the afternoon tomorrow, so I am going to go for a walk in the morning and maybe even try to do the belly dancing dvd. :)

Today's intake

slimfast- 180
fiber one bar-140
progresso soup- 160
small bag cheetos- 160
2 slices chicken lasagna-800 (oops!)
1 bag fruit snacks- 90
3 muskateers mint- 70
grapes- free

total = 1600 calories. Not too shabby

Exercise: romp around the dog park with the pups for about half an hour

Wt. 243

Challenge

I am challenging myself to the 230's by Oct. 1st. I am going to do it!! I'm changing the way I am living, not just eating. Thinking about everything that goes into my mouth, avoiding emotional eating, and living better. Super busy in the garden today. The old neighbor lady came over and helped us get the whole garden cleared out. The veggies are done except for a couple of peppers that will be harvested this week. Next year we will expand the garden a bit and also have plans to lay some stones and make a firepit (bank account allowing, of course). The yard is now twice the size it once was due to the above mentioned clearing out. It looks fabulous. It will look even better once we get some grass growing back.

Bought a new scale last night. A fancy digital one :) It measures in decimals too, so even if I only lose .2 pounds I will see the difference! Yay!!

Today's intake thus far:
Slimfast
smart start breakfast cereal
lettuce with 1/2 cup left over manwich and 2 tbsp dressing
diet cherry pepsi and dt. mt. dew
2 20 oz h20
100 calorie packet of cheezits

Still need to eat some supper. Thinking it will be a salad cause I don't have anything else made.

Wt. 245

It's going down!

The scale, that is. What a good feeling to know that this is all paying off. Such a pleasant surprise when I weighed myself and saw that I have officially lost 5 pounds!!!

Yesterday was the Britney Spears concert. What a fabulous show! That girl can put on a circus, let me tell you. V. entertaining. Ate at an oyster bar and had oysters for the first time! FAB!

Yesterdays intake:
Slimfast

Lunch at the grandparents:
approx 1 tablespoon of each: potato salad, coleslaw, pea salad, baked beans
approx 1/2 cup bbq pork shredded
7 chips
apple
cut up cantelope
1 tbsp. salsa
piece of our 1 yr. anniversary wedding cake

Oysterbar:
Mich Ultra
Blue Oyster shot (vodka and spicy tomato juice in a shot glass with an oyster)
1/2 of calamari and shrimp appetizer
3 oysters on the half shell (2 cooked, one raw with caviar)

Strongbow cider (YUMMMM)

6 chicken mcnuggets
a few fried (about 10)
apple dippers
3 laffy taffy
diet coke

Wow! Looks like alot of food, but all were in small portions, so I am thinking I stayed below the 2000 calorie mark.

Plus, did TONS of walking around downtown before the concert since we got there 4 hours early.

Wt. 246 !!! Five pounds lost! Go me! :)

Not bad today:
Slimfast
Mac n Cheese (left out half the marg and made with skim milk) with tuna added (go omega 3!)
salad with light dressing
turkey hotdog with ketchup- no bun
one glass milk
healthy choice beef stroganoff meal
packet of fruitsnacks
fiber one bar
20 oz diet dr. pepper
40 oz water

Total cals: 1480

Exercise: belly dancing video for half an hour, walked from the inlaws home (about 3/4 mile or so)

Wt: 248

Looks like things might be working! Need to step up the exercise factor a bit, but really proud of myself for actually counting calories for the first time ever. I can't believe how many calories are in the foods I used to eat and how many I must have consumed in a day!!

Bit of a rough week this week, so it is good to know that this is working out for me. Found out I am going to be an aunt which is so great and I am so happy!!! But, at the same times it makes me wonder what is wrong with me? Why can't I just get pregnant??? I think my body is telling me that I need to get rid of all this excess ME before it can think about adding another human into the picture. So I am going to work my ass off. I am going to get healthy, and I am going to give my niece or nephew a little cousin to play with :) (God willing, that is) I also think Tom and I need to step up the intercourse factor a bit in the future if we really want anything to happen! TMI, I know... but it is so hard to want to get intimate with someone when you are so unhappy with your self image.

Britney concert this weekend! Bring on CIRCUS! Yay!! Hoping it will be a great time. Plus, a weekend all along with the Hubs in early celebration of our first anniversary! He is so wonderful, and I am so blessed to have such a fabulous husband and best friend! :)

This is gonna be one heck of a journey

This is gonna be tough. Counted calories today. 1650 total. More than I wanted to do, but not bad

Wt. 249

Intake:
smart start cereal with skim milk
healthy choice chicken with tomato sauce meal
salad with light dressing
Healthy choice garlic shrimp meal
1 packet fruit snacks
1 diet coke
Healthy choice chicken marsala steamer
100 calorie grasshopper cookie snack
1 glass milk

Wish I could have resisted that last healthy choice meal- but at 250 calories it wasn't bad. Overall, not a bad day. Pretty healthy, even.

I am tired and ready to zonk out.

Night!

day 4

I missed a day, and I apologize. It was a very fun labor day! My bestest girl Heidi and her fiance came down and we had a grillout. I was sick this morning and had to come home from work after puking. :( not good. Finally starting to feel better now after a long day of sleeping with an upset tummy.

Made a big decision today. Going to go and get certified to be a CNA. I'm really excited about it. The program will take two months. After that I just need to take the test and then I am good to go! Gonna give it a try for awhile to see what I think of the nursing world, then decide what I want to do with myself. I am just not in the going back to school mode, and really am not financially ready to deal with more student loans right now. We need to get Tom done, get him finished up with school, and get me some higher income coming in without adding to our debt. My classes start in October! So, I will have to drop one of my classes at kirkwood. But, I am going to keep going to my other one.

Back to the weight loss- the whole purpose of this blog. Today went well. Mostly just because I felt like crap for most of the day.

fiber one oat and caramel bar
packet of fruit snacks

then puked those up instantly following eating them! So, that doesn't really count :)

salad with low fat french and ranch
pasta salad with light miracle whip, onions, carrots, and tuna
small serving of pasta with walnut sauce
2.5 slices of baguette
1 special k bar
2 small bowls pasta salad
1 package hundred calorie cookie snack
3 glasses water
1 can pepsi max

weight 250. (at the end of the day, normally I weigh in the morning but forgot)

Day 2

A wee bit intoxicated...

but here it is for today

1 cappacino slim fast

3 half pieces of wedding cake sample for heidi's cake

1 packet fruit snacks

beers- 6

crack pipe shots - 1

irish car bomb- 1

woodchuck cider- 1

6 chicken wings

2 squares pizza.

not bad 'cept all the booze.

weight- 248

Let the weight loss begin!

It's time to get serious folks. I am beyond motivated and going to do this! So, from now on this Blog will be about my journey to 180 lbs. I think this is an attainable goal. And, since I don't know what I will even look like at 180, we'll see if that is my ultimate goal or if I want to lose a bit more.

Being fat is messing up my body. I get winded, I get gassy and uncomfortable and heartburny from all the crappy food I eat. I don't ovulate normally, if at all. That's the real kicker. Tom and I want to start having little ones sometime soon, but my body can't even ovulate normally. I will go months without so much as a period. Sorry if this is too much information, but I never knew that excess weight could mess up your system so much! I've done alot of research lately on fertility and obesity, and the results are not good. I need to go to the doc for sure to see what is going on, but I have a good idea he/she is going to tell me that I have polycystic ovarian syndrom. I don't want to self diagnose, but I have many of the symptoms- abnormal periods/no periods, some sprouting facial hair (not bad, but a few dark hairs here and there seem to be popping up) darkened areas of skin in certain places, and hair loss. I noticed my hair was getting thinner in the front, and had no idea why. It also can have things to do with your insulin, which would explain why sometimes I feel like my blood sugar is off almost to the point of passing out. NOT GOOD people!

So, I am getting serious. I'm not going to let my life choices affect my health. This is going to be my accountability blog. I am going to be journaling everything I eat. EVERYTHING. No cheating. And I am going to share my weight with the world. Because you all know I am fat, and it is time to be accountable for the numbers. I will also be tracking my exercise. So here we go with day one...

Day 1

Low fat PB granola bar
Banana
Healthy choice pot roast meal
100 calorie snack bag of cookies (x2)
one package fruit snacks
bowl of salad with low fat french and ranch dressing with two crackers
2 glasses of milk
2 pieces of jacks thin crust Bacon Cheeseburger pizza
1 20 oz bottle of game fuel mt. dew
1 can diet mt. dew (x2)
3 20 oz bottles of water

Weight:
251 pounds

Exercise: 4+ hours of cleaning, laundry, etc. (boy, is that a workout!)


There we go... off to the races!

IOWA

Seeings as this is the week of the state fair, I decided to put together a list of why I love Iowa, and Iowa City.

Why I love Iowa:
Sweet corn
green fields
friendly people
legalized gay marriage
sweetcorn
Hawkeye football!
the sense of openess
one of the best economies in the nation
some of the happiest years of my life were spent here
overalls
farming
sweetcorn
still enough big cities to keep us keepin' it real
it makes you smile, and has fields of opportunities
veggies grow darn good here
it's in the midwest- a great place to live

But mostly... I just love the sweetcorn :) yum

find someone to love and live everyday as if it were your last

Today I saw the most depressing movie I have seen in a long time. It wasn't bad movie at all, it just really, really bothered me. I'm talking about The Time Traveler's Wife (SPOILER ALERT COMING UP!!)

As soon as the moment in the movie came where you find out Henry is going to die when he is relatively young and when his daughter is only five my heart sank. His daughter is the first to find out. A five year old finding out her father is going to die within the next year. It is just heart wrenching. So, he dies... and it is sad. But, then he is able to time travel as a younger version of himself and come back and see his family after he is dead. And, his daughter is able to travel back in time and see him too. How unfair. I just became so angry at that point. That isn't the way life goes. What a bunch of shit. You can't see the people that die again, and you don't get to just travel through time- it gives no meaning to life and death at all!!

I know, I know. It is just a movie. But it hurt me so bad. I wanted to be that girl. I wanted to have that power. Growing up I remember praying and praying that I would just DREAM about my dad so I could see him again. Have one glimse of him after he was gone. I never did. I still don't. Henry's daughter got to see her father again. His wife got to hold her husband again. It's not fair. I wasn't even happy for them. I was heartbroken. Angry. Hurt. Bawling there in the theater at the unrealistic story line that was tearing me up inside.

Not a day goes by I don't think about my dad. Miss him. Wish he was here. Especially lately. I wonder if he would be the one to understand me. To see potential. To know that being good with money does not make you a good person. I wonder if he would love me even when I make mistakes. If he would have saved me from the pain I had to go though all those years.

I wish he was here for so many selfish reasons. To have been there to dance the father daughter dance. See me graduate. Hold his first grandchild. Hug me when I needed it. A safe place to run to when even "home" wasn't. To have been able to see more of my family. To hear the donald duck voice. To see how alike we are. Mom tells me I'm like him alot... even though it is usally one of the things she didn't like about him that I share. It still makes me happy to know I am like him. I wonder if he would make me keep secrets.

If only I could travel through time. If only he could travel through time. Show up at the pivotal moment I needed him the most. Escape to his arms. Lay my head on his big belly and hear his heart beat and stomach grumble. But life isn't like that. I know there has to be a greater reason for it all. But, right now I'm really not seeing it.

Right now I wish I was a character in a movie.

I love Tom so much. But it is days like this, moments like these, when I know that if it wasn't for him none of this would be worth it. Moments like this I slip back into the black hole of sadness and think of all the shitty things in life and wonder if it is all worth it and why I am even here. There has to be more to life than this. Arguments with family, being a constant disapointment. Wondering if life is worth it if no one but your spouse would really be affected if you were gone.

All my friends live hundreds of miles away... the relationships are fading. I'm not the same person I was when I knew them. I like to think I'm better... but I don't know. Apparently not. I'm just the same old failure walking through life with my head down. It seems wrong, somehow, that the overwhelming emotion I've had for most of my life is sadness. It hurts. Literally. I get chest pains and really bad cramping when I get really worked up about things. My life causes me physical pain. That just isn't right. I try and try to make things better, but get nowhere. I want so bad to go back to school so I can get a good job and prove something of myself. But, I know that even if I do that it won't really make a difference. I will still fail in one way or another.

Some battles you can't win. Right now it feels like life is one of those battles.

It's Been Awhile...

My apologies. It's been awhile since I've made it on here. (the pic is a turtle at the Georgia Aquarium)

Last week I went to Georgia and visited some of my dad's family. It was so great to see them and spend time with them. I haven't gotten to do alot of that since he passed away... so it meant alot to me to be able to get down there. Georgia is a really beautiful state- so much green!

Things between Tom and I were a little rough before I left for Georgia. I am finding out that marriage is harder than I ever knew. But, it is also so, so worth it. I'm working really hard to be more patient and understanding with him. I don't want to be so stressed about about things anymore or be so high strung. It isn't good for me, and it isn't good for our relationship. He is so good for me and the best thing that has ever happened to me. If it wasn't for him, I don't know where I would be. Since I've been back, things have been great! I saw the way a really great couple works while I was in Georgia. And, I was reminded over again that love can make it even in tough times. My grandparents were married for over 60 years!! My aunt and uncle for 40! Marriage can work! I think I forget that because my parents ended in divorce. That is why I had fear about getting married in the first place. I never, ever want to do that to my children. I want them to see their parents grow old together and see the love we share every single day. Sickness and health, better or for worst, as long as we both shall live. I need to remember the vows and be so grateful for the gift God has given me. Love, amazing, pure, and sometimes HARD love.

Adding to stress- starting a new job and school at the same time. STRESSFUL! Money is uber tight right now. The mortgage is due with my next paycheck, and there won't be much to spare after that. Things will get better in Sept.- Lots of overtime coming the Hub's way. This is definately one of those worst times :) But I am looking on the bright side (and praying it won't cost too much to fix the water heater!) Things will be okay. Just gotta keep the head up and the smile on!

Contemplation

I got my baby! His name is Winston and he is wonderful (when he isn't trying to eat my face). We decided on a bulldog. Let me tell you, it is alot of work! Everyday his wrinkles have to be cleaned, his feet cleaned, his belly washed, ears cleaned out. Nails trimmed once a week cause they are growing so fast. But he is so worth it. And such good practice for kids :) He def. tries my patience. Hopefully he will be fairly well potty trained by the time I go to Georgia so he is good for daddy.

Georgia is coming up fast! I'm really excited. This girl needs a vacation. Things have been rough lately. Work has been far less than great. Life has been stressful. I'm re-examining things and thinking about what I want to do, and I am pretty sure I have decided. Stay posted for life updates :)

I miss friends. So much. I have a great family support group here but am lacking friends. I don't really connect at all with the kids at work. They are all younger than me and go out and have fun and don't invite me because I am old and married. I know I am past the college stage of going out all the time... but some sort of connection would be good!

Busy week ahead. Tom's Aunt and Uncle and Cousins come on Thursday, so get to see them for a few days before they leave on the tour of USA... so much to do at home. Cleaning and laundry and lawn work and gardening. Plus getting my new plan in motion. An exciting time. Sure hope everything works out.

Well, this girl needs to get to bed.

Like the Energizer bunny

Yeah, I have the cutest dog ever... ;)

So, I have more energy now than I have had in years. It is very strange. I can go all day and not get tired. I can work and work outside or inside for hours and not get tired. I don't know where it is coming from. I love it.... but I don't get it.

Tom and I got in a fight over something sort of related to this last night. I am just so full of energy that I want to keep going and doing things and getting stuff done. When he is here he wants to sit and watch a movie or just sit and be together. I can't do that right now. I can't sit still. I need to be going and going. I think it is starting to drive him nuts. I am just so driven by ambition to get everything in the house done that needs to be and to get everything outside perfect that I have been neglecting our relationship. It feels like it is really starting to suffer. Like we never get to do anything together anymore because there is just so much stuff that needs done.

Like tonight. We were going to go swimming together, then went outside only to find that the flipping japanese beetles that had been infecting our garden have now overtaken our grapevines. So, I freaked out and decided that I needed to trim the grapevines back right that instant. And I proceded to continue to do so for a good two hours. He just doesn't understand it. I am so proud of this house. OUR first house. I want it to be perfect. I want to take good care of everything in it and around it. I hate it when there are dirty dishes left in the sink or kleenexes not picked up or little things left around all over. So I go and go and get everything cleaned up, picked up, put away, and taken care of. And then it is time for him to go to work.

I need to find a balance. I need to learn that not everything needs to be done at that instant or I think our relationship will continue to go downhill. I feel like I am turning into my grandpa. He is busy all day doing stuff inside and outside the house, and my grandma gets upset with him sometimes because he feels he needs to do all this stuff. He doesn't really like to go anywhere or take time away from the house because of this. At the same time I wonder why I have to change. Why can't he just learn to enjoy doing things around the house with me instead of complaining about me doing it? It is frustrating. Marriage can be frustrating. It is so rewarding, but hard sometimes. I know we have the love to make it through... it just sucks to be butting heads all the time lately, especially when we don't see each other all that often.


More marriages might survive if the partners realized that sometimes the better comes after the worse. ~Doug Larson

Might as well face it, I'm addicted....

to food.

I am. That is what makes weight loss so hard. It is an addiction. Like cigarettes or alcoholism. I quit smoking, but I've yet to really quit over eating. It is so hard! You need food to live. It isn't like cigarettes that you can give up on and don't need to use it ever again. But the feeling I get when I want a particular something to eat is the same knaw at you feeling that I would get when I needed a nicotine fix. I need to take control of my appetite. Own it, not let it own me. The photo above is of me about 4 years ago. I thought I was so fat then, but now it is my first goal. About 30 pounds away from where I am now. I've lost right near 15 since when I first moved to Iowa... but I don't feel any smaller. I think it is because I am so big. So, I'm going to work really hard. I'm going to get healthy.

No more embarassment because of the way I look. Pride, love for myself. That is what I want. It will be a long time coming, but I know I can do it. Having this house is great motivation. There are so many things to be done. Gardening, mowing, cleaning... tons of things to do. I am staying to busy.... that is when I don't even have time to think about food. As soon as I sit down and relax the feeling naws at me again. Eats away at me. I know I'm not hungry. I'm just bored and want something to do. I can't be happy just sitting, I need to be putting something in my mouth. How do I get over that? How do I find the strength. These are the questions that are yet to be answered.

Only when we are no longer afraid do we begin to live. -Dorothy Thompson

Things I want to do in my life:

- join the Peace Corps
-find a church that fits me
- birth a baby by water birth
- never smoke again
-meet my goal weight and maintain it
- never miss a day of telling Tom I love him
-travel to India
- own a Mustang
- glorify God
- truly forgive
- be a mom
- paint a mural
- climb a mountain
- learn to swim
- live in England for at least 5 years
- have my own dark room
- drive up/down the east and west coasts
- visit a vineyard
- learn to love myself


That's a start.

I'm so excited for tomorrow. The day we finally move into our very first house. Watched Jon and Kate plus 8 tonight. Can I just say I am so disappointed at them for not fighting harder for their marriage? I hope I never stop fighting for my marriage. Enough about that!

I need to attempt to get some sleep here...

All love that has not friendship for its base is like a mansion built upon the sand. Ella Wheeler Wilcox:

I married my best friend. I can honestly say that is the most amazing thing I have ever done, and the best thing I have ever done. How wonderful! I knew from the moment I met him that this guy was something special, that I never wanted to be apart from him. Something clicked so amazingly, like nothing ever had before. I knew this man was sent for me and I for him. The bond we share is unlike anything I have experience, and beyond anything I could ever hope for.

Sometimes I dream about what our life will be like. What our children will be like, how their personalities will be. Where we will end up. I don't know the answer to any of that. All I know is that I will be there with him, my best friend. God opened my eyes to love the day I met Tom. Before him I had no real aspirations for love or a relationship... I was young and having fun. I didn't even know if I wanted to get married. Or if I would simply travel the world and have random lovers here and there. I thought that sounded so exotic. Travel the world and meet new people, live with reckless abandon. Then I met Tom.

Everything changed. I changed. Suddenly I wasn't as irresponcible anymore. I had someone I cared about more than myself to think about before I did something stupid (and believe me, I did ALOT of stupid things back in the day). He showed me love so pure and so true it was almost too good to be true. I wondered if it was. I looked for excuses, reasons why I didn't believe him. I pushed him away, I tested his boundaries. I wasn't the best girlfriend to him. But he stayed. He loved me so much he stayed. I was afraid to let anyone in, to love anyone new for fear I would loose them. This man was different though. This man understood me better than I understood myself.

He and I started talking online via facebook. I would read the notes he wrote and his words were so wonderful. I was so drawn to this man I didn't even know through the words he wrote. I had to meet him. A very bold move on my part, usually the shy type waiting for the man to make the first move. When I walked into the bar that night, I didn't know what to expect. My stomach was turning knots. To tell the truth, it didn't go that well at first. We were both horribly shy. We sat, made small talk. I knew I liked him, I had fallen for him before I even met him. I was so horrified he didn't like me in return. The beer was flowing, and the music ended and he left. We said our goodbyes. Things felt so incomplete when he left. I immediately texted him and asked him to come back and go to a friends with me. The rest is history. We spent the entire night together on her couch. Talking for hours and hours about everything. Both of us were far too excited to fall asleep. I kissed him first :) My nose was red for days after that from all the eskimo kisses we shared. It even started peeling like a sunburn. I looked like Rudolph but didn't care because I had found him. My beloved.

Four months later he asked me to marry him and gave me a piece of string for an engagement ring until he could get a real one. I still have that piece of green string. That was one of the most wonderful days of my life. A year and 5 months after that I became his wife.

I tell him all the time, but feel like I still haven't been able to express just how much I love him, and just how much he means to me. I don't have the words to tell him how much he has done for me, and how gratefull I am that he is my other half. My soul mate. My very best friend.

Would you still say you love me Under this ordinary moonlight?

It's a big girl world now
Full of big girl things
And everyday I wish I was small
I've been counting on nothing
But he keeps giving me his word
And I am tired of hearing myself speak
Do you ever get weary?
Do you ever get weak?
How do you dream
When you can't fall asleep?

Some lyrics from Kendall Payne. Been listening to a couple of her songs... pretty powerful stuff.

Had book club the other night. There is such a great group of people. All walks of life with so many stories to tell. A 40 something divorced author with life knowledge some can only imagine, a woman from Pakistan that gives us insight into a different part of the world, a traveling nurse starting her life adventure... the combination of us all with so many different stories and experiences makes for wonderful conversation. I'm so glad my sister in law invited me to be part of this group. You learn alot about yourself by hearing what others have to say.

We ate at the most wonderful indian restaurant. The food was fantastic. I love Indian food. The explosion of flavors in your mouth... the way it makes you feel like you are traveling to another country just by letting your taste buds explore. I could never sicken of great Indian food. I love this city, because there is such a large Indian community- which equals plenty of wonderful Indian restaurants to enjoy. I really wish I would have know how wonderful the cuisine was when I lived in London. London is known for their delicious Indian food (because to be honest, the British themselves can't exactly cook that great). I had my mom whispering in my ear while I was there, telling me that this food was weird... so I thought I wouldn't like it. Man was she wrong. (although she still refuses to believe it is as delicious as I find it) Wow. I am really craving some Chicken Tikki Marsala right now.

So... this lead to my selection for our next book for book club- Eat, Pray, Love. It is such a wonderful book about a womans journey to find herself after a bad divorce. She goes to Italy, India, and Indonesia. It Italy she eats, in India she prays, and in Indonesia she loves. I have read it before, but I feel that it so much fits into what I am seeking in my life right now. A journey of self acceptance, of learning to love yourself, of praying and trusting that the right thing will happen. I'm going to read it again. I know this time it will effect me much deeper than it did the first time I read it, when everything was still all bottled up and jumbled around inside.

I owe so many people in my life an apology for my behavior at times. For my anger that sweeps in like a monster and I lose control of. I can't ask them to forget, but I hope they can forgive. I hope they know that I am trying so hard to make this journey a successful one, and that I won't stop until I do. This is for me, but also for all of you. Thanks for your patience and your love. It means more than you could ever know.

My stubborn will is learning to bend -Kendall Payne

Sometimes all it takes is an apology.

Knowing you are understood, even a little and to hear that someone who hurt you is sorry for what happened. It means so much to me to have finally heard that. The weight was lifted from my chest and it feels so good to know that.... and to feel it is true.

I will never know why the things have happened in my life the way they have. I can only have faith that there is a reason for all the madness. The pain will make me stronger and the happiness will give me the strength to keep going and see what all is in store for me. All I can do is know that I am who I am because of what has happened to me. I've been through some tough shit. We all have. I need to stop feeling sorry for myself and start living my life. I have made it through so much, I deserve happiness. I deserve it. For the first time I am starting to see that. I'm not meant to be on this earth to waste time being sad and angry for things I have no control over. I will prevail. God doesn't want me to be sad. He wants me to live and love and be happy. It is time to do that. I've always thought I didn't deserve love and happiness because I didn't come from love. Today I learned I did. It might not have been the fairytale kind dreams are made of, but it was love. True and pure.

I am so, so blessed with so much love in my life. It has taken me so long to realize this and be grateful for this, how sad is that. I have found my one true love is this whole world. I pushed him away in the past when I felt scared. I didn't want to lose someone I love ever again, so I pushed. I am so lucky and so blessed that he stayed. I never want to put him through that again. I want him to know that I love him so, so much. He is my soul mate and it amazes me how we know each other so entirely after only two and a half years of knowing one another. He is the most amazing gift God has ever given me. I am so blessed. I am so loved. That is amazing.

Life is too short to sleep on low thread-count sheets. ~Leah Stussy

I'm a tired girl tonight.

Not a whole lot to write about really. Tom picked up his packet to run for city council. Just have to get 250 signatures to support him by August and we are good to go. I told him I was going to paint a huge sign for in our new yard getting everyone in the neighborhood to vote for him :)

Need to do some serious packing this weekend. Can't believe we are less than a week away now. Already getting some plans for entertaining set up. Having a grill out the day after the 4th of July for Tom's family and the Ettemas (really good family friends). My brother and his wife are coming the weekend of the 18th... and I need to set up a housewarming party with my girl Ho and Coly and anyone else that wants to come from Mankato.

On a serious note.... I've found that mending fences is very, very hard especially when there are two very stubborn people involved. Sometimes you've just got to agree to disagree and just try to get along. Life is too flipping short to spend it arguing and bickering all the time. It's very frustrating because some things never change and probably never will. Just have to make the most of the now I guess. I can't change my feelings and emotions easily, if at all. Time doesn't always heal everything... sometimes things fester and only get worst. And that is when it really starts to effect you and suck. Maybe when we move I will start to paint again. Painting is good for the soul :) I need some sort of outlet for when things get tough for me. Something healthy. Not food or booze or cigarettes (although I haven't had one of those in 2.5 months! Go me!) I need to start walking and exercising again. I love taking Sophie for walks (my yorkie)... but living here the other two big dogs whine to go all the time and I can't handle them all. So, needless to say, I just avoid the hassle of trying to sneak her out the door and fight them.

I have to loose ten pounds by August 1st to get my boxer. That is the deal I made with Tom. I think it is totally worth it and a good reward to look forward to. Plus, then I will do lots of dog walking!

This girl is hitting the hay. Night all.

In August I get one of these...

I'm just a little bit excited :) His name will be Charlie, and I already have his collar all picked out. He will be my protector on the nights Tom is at work :) I grew up with a boxer, it was pretty much one of the best dogs ever. Tom told me that after we got the house I could get a puppy, so I'm making him make good on his promise.

Watching the movie "Henry pool is here" Pretty good movie I must say. Very touching so far. They see Jesus' face in Stucco... kinda crazy.

I'm really full. We had deliciously amazing homemade tamales tonight. Very tasty. Ate one too many though. Between them and my Jimmy Johns for lunch I used up all my points for the day. None left for dessert :( There is some pretty yummy looking fruit in the fridge though, so I might have to use one of my allowed extra points and eat some of that. Strawberry goodness!

OH, and I totally bleached my hair blond last night. Spur of the moment decision. I kinda like it though. Tom and I were enjoying a drink and the next thing I knew I was like "I wanna be blond!" so I did it. Crazy!

I think this whole self improvement journey is going pretty well. I'm feeling very happy the last few days. Maybe it is just the excitement of everything... maybe it is something more and I am on to something good here. I hope so. It will be so good to finally have this weight off my chest. It's been there for a decade, time to get rid of it. Happiness has it's ups.

“I'm not a diva. I'm a tadpole trying to be a frog.”

Somewhat adventurous day. Tom took me to Coralville Lake. I, having just moved to these parts not long ago, had no idea this beautiful place even existed. We tromped around the fossil gorge, which had been even more unearthed after last years flooding. I saw two snakes! Snakes are so cool. I told Tom that if our children ever wanted to get a pet snake I would have an awful hard time saying no, so he better be prepared. :) There were also tons and tons and tons of tadpoles! I want to go back everyweek until they sprout legs. They are so cute. We drove around a bit and looked at the hugely ginormous houses by the lake too. These people are insane. There was one that was designed to look like a castle. It was like it's own fortress. So cool, yet so huge!

Took the dogs to the dog park again today to. What a beautiful day... it was cloudy earlier, but now the sun is starting to show it's face. I think I'm going to put a sundress on and go sit outside and read this book I need to read for my book club on Thursday. I haven't even started it, I better get a move on.

Been having some serious issues with my uterus lately. This might be too much information, but if anyone has dealt with anything simalar and knows what might be going on let me know. Last month I bled every other day for almost two weeks. Some very painful catch you breath sort of cramping too. Never much bleeding at all though. Just felt like there was alot going on down there. Well, it has been okay for a few weeks but now it has started to get those bad cramps again. They aren't horrible or anything, just uncomfortable. I'm sure it is caused by stress. Buying this house and having old crap brought up again is not doing my uterus any favors. Need to go to the gyno in August anyway... so we'll see what happen till then. It sure isn't fun though. Maybe it is just my body trying to get used to not being on pills anymore... who knows.

Just over one week till closing day on the house. I am so flipping excited! I need to look into how much it is to rent one of those wall paper steamer remover things so we can get the kitchen wallpaper down and get to painting it yellow! We are doing a mexican theme it there with all reds and blacks and yellows. Got some new bowls with chile peppers on them and everything. I think I am going to attempt to tile the backsplat as well with some natural looking tiles. This is all so exciting. Got a new grill last weekend. We were so blessed to have some of the members of our wedding party get a us a gift certificate for a grill. Finally found the perfect one. Can't wait to set it up and get started grilling!

Tom and I are going to use a mini grill we got for a wedding present tonight to grill, that will do till we get to the house and can set up the big one. Still need to try to find a lawn mower... that will be important. I have a list of things I need to find. Got a hoe for our garden at a garage sale for a buck yesterday! And patio furniture for both the front and the back porch last weekend. Things are slowly coming together, I just can't wait to get in there and get it all set up :)

Gonna go do some reading... I love summer.

Good movie!

Benjamin Button: [Voice over; letter to his daughter] For what it's worth: it's never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There's no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you're proud of. If you find that you're not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again.

Our lives are defined by opportunities, even the ones we miss.

You can be as mad as a mad dog at the way things went. You could swear, curse the fates, but when it comes to the end, you have to let go.

I want to be dipped

So, I decided that my goal weight is 160. But my first goal is to be thin enough that my husband can dip me. :) I was looking at an old classmates engagement photos, and there was one of her fiance dipping her, and I thought "geez, that would be nice." I want to feel that sensation. That is my goal!

The greatest mistake you can make in life is to be continually fearing you will make one.

Decisions. They are so hard to make. Well, now they are. Sometimes they are easy. Sometimes I rush into things far too fast for my own good, and that isn't good either. I need to decide what to do with my life. This doesn't have to be a forever career, but it does have to be one that I want to do for the next ten or more years. Lately I've been thinking about teaching. It is scary though, because I am so afraid that after I go through all that schooling there won't be a job in the area for me. I could always substitute. That wouldn't be bad at all. I just need to grab life by the non existant balls and run for it. I need to decide what is best for me, and for my little family unit.

What subject? What age group? That is the next query I have. Science or art. Science seems much more stable since so many schools are cutting budgets and along with that cutting the arts. Science is pretty safe. And is so interesting! You never stop learning about science. I loved it in High School. I thought about going into genetics for awhile, but decided on nursing instead. How do you know when you made the right decision? I love creativity. That is why I love art so much. The way it makes me feel inside. Content for a moment as I am painting something. I want to pray about this, but I don't know how to interpret what God is telling me to do.

Does that make sense? I talk to God but I don't understand what he is saying back. I wish there was a clear answer and obvious suggestions coming from Him. All I have is me taking. It makes me feel good. I feel something different when I talk to Him. Something I can't describe, but I know it is different than talking to a friend, family, or even my husband. I feel like I bother Him with these things. Like God has so many better things to do than listen to me trying to figure out my future, yet again. Does that make sense? Does any of this make sense?

Tom is going to teach social studies. He has a definate goal and knows exactly what he wants to do. I wish I had that desire. I toss so many different things around but nothing sticks. Obviously Interior Design wasn't the right thing for me. I knew that long before I was done with the program, but didn't want to quit something else before I was finished, so I kept on with it. Where did that get me? Knowhere. I just might as well have saved my money and quit. That's why I don't want to jump into this without really thinking about it first. I don't want to make another mistake with my life.... especially one that costs thousands of dollars to accomplish.

Boo. This is so hard to figure out.

Onto another subject, I am trying a new church tomorrow. I need to find a church home where I belong, where I feel welcome. Where I can get to meet new people and friends and have another support system. I want to find one where the joy is outstanding! One that you can feel it as soon as you walk in... these are people that love worshiping and love the Lord they worship. That is another leg of my quest- find a church. No better time to start that then now. An old friend of mine from Middle School invited me to come to her church. I admire her faith and see how she radiates joy and love- so I am giving her church a try.

I'm a person that likes to sing and clap and be joyful in worship. Tom was raised Catholic, and he doesn't understand that so we have a hard time finding a church we can go to together. I would love to find one that works for us together... but I honestly don't know if that will happen when what we want out of a service is so different from one another. The singing makes him uncomfortable... and I understand that. But that is how I feel I worship the best and get the most connected to God. We might just have to go to seperate churches. Other couples do it and make it work. We'll see what the future holds.

I made banana bread today. It looks really good, so I sure hope it tastes as good as it smells. I'm holding out hope.

Gosh darn it, today has been a pretty good day :)

What a blah, crappy day today. I sure hope it clears up soon. These are the days that make you want to curl up in a ball and sleep all day. I had a bad night last night. Very emotional one. I laid it all out on the line with someone I love, and now I regret it. I don't like to hurt people... but they asked for it. It won't make any difference and doesn't change a darn thing, so I don't really see the point of all the tears. So... needless to say I binged on crackers and pasta and felt like a stuffed hog. Obviously I need to get my emotional eating under control bigtime. I am still full this morning. Couldn't even eat a good breakfast like I should. Going to be good for the rest of the weekend. Gotta get back on track!

I need to change my weigh ins from Thursday to Monday starting this week. Since with my new schedule and not being in the vault anymore, I will have to work past 5:30 on Thursdays. Monday meetings are at 7, so that is nice. I dread not having a whole week to work on it though. I'm sure the scale will be up after a night like last night.

I think I will take the dogs to the dog park later. Hopefully the rain will stay away and it will clear up a bit so I can do that. I'm also going to make a trip to the farmer's market. Hopefully get something yummy to eat tonight.

Met with home loan dude last night. How depressing. Since I am scheduled for 38 hrs a week, but work 40 (we are scheduled 38 because we always have overtime, and this way we avoid going over 40) my debt to income ratio was a little bit too high because they have to go by what I am scheduled. So, I had to buy my rate down to 4.5%, which is a good thing.... but also a bad thing. It is going to cost me an extra 1600 bucks that I hadn't planned on and don't have right now. Tom has this new job that only gets paid once a month, so we will have plenty on the 1st of July... but closing is the 23rd of June. Boooooo! I think we are going to have to beg on our hands and knees for his parents to lend us the money for a week until he gets paid. I sure hope they can or I don't know what we will do. We might have to sell Tom's body on craigslist :) I just have faith that it will all work out, and the bills I have paid off already will make up for at least 1000 of that so maybe we'll only need 600 more. Buying a house is the most stressful thing I have ever done. I take that back. Wedding planning and dealing with both sides trying to get me to change my plans was the most stressful.... this, however is a hefty bump in the road. He said he won't have a grand total of what I need to pay until the day before closing or even the day of because they need to get everything all calculated up. What an ordeal. First I find out I have to pay off the car too, because it is in both our names... now this. Sometimes I think this just isn't meant to be, but then I drive past the house one more time and think of how wonderful it will be and it all seems worth it.

It all seems very grown up. Buying a house, trying to start a family. It is really scary. I'm not a kid anymore. I'm married, buying a house, and planning a life. Wow. Talk about responcibility. But talk about fun!! I can't wait to caulk the bathroom, clean out the gutters, garden, mow, clean, paint, and do everything that comes with home ownership. What a sense of pride to own something like that and know what it will mean to you and your family. I am so greatful to have been able to do this. Everything happens for a reason. I saw that sign and made the call and fell in love with what would become our first home. It saddens me that dad can't be here to see it, but I hope he knows that he made this possible for me. Without the money I was left after he died this wouldn't have been possible. I would have had to live in an apartment for years and years. Hopefully he can see it from up there and be proud of me. Cause I'm kinda proud of me :)

Good results

3.6 lbs down this first week!! I know it won't stay that good every week, and that is okay. It is a start on a long process.

Today is such a beautiful day. The sun is shining, and the weather is perfect. I even got a bit of a sunburn walking home.

I've been told not to write personal stuff on here anymore... so I guess I will respect the wishes and try my best to not let my emotions get ahold of me. The truth is, there is alot in my soul that hurts, and doing this helped a little bit. But, I am not going to fight to defend my rantings, so I am just going to avoid talking about it. Just like I have for my entire life. Happy now?

My starting weight... photo taken a few weeks ago (I'm on the right in the pink dress)

A Journey of a thousand miles begins with one step...

Here we go ladies and gentlemen.

I am starting a journey. One of the most important journeys of my life. I am devoting myself to a healthier life, in all aspects; Physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Some may call it finding oneself, I call it a hunt for happiness and self love and appreciation.

I've been beating myself up for too long and handling situations the wrong way at time. I get angry, and frustrated, and have no good way of expressing myself anymore. That is what this is for. Venting, answering my own questions, and trying to figure myself out. I know I have become the way I am at my own accord. And I want to change that. I hold too much in, and I eat alot and can become self destructive because of this. Eating is not going to solve anything, and either is holding everything in.

In all honesty, I can't afford a therapist. And that is what this is about. You may learn things about me you don't care to know, and that is okay. This is more for me than it is for you. Feel free to jump in and comment, help me on this journey. It will be a lifelong trek, and that I know. I'm ready for it.

Last week I started going to weight watchers. There is only so much that eating right can do for me, I need to get to the bottom of when my eating habits got out of control so I don't fall into the same habits again. I have been a "big girl" for as long as I can remember. I think I really started feeding my emotional void with food when my dad died when I was twelve. He killed himself after a night of drinking. The unanswered questions I had for him and his wife of the time (who was there the night it happened and chose to leave for a walk when she knew he was in danger of hurting himself) ate at me for a long, long time. And still do till this day. I don't really know how to explain what a traumatic experience like this does to the life of a young person. Basically it turns everything upside down and backwards and keeps it spinning so you don't know which way is up anymore. You blame yourself. I was twelve and I blamed myself. I thought I didn't love him enough... and if I did he would have thought of me at the final moment and saved himself. This is what was weighing on my chest for years. Did he know I loved him, did he understand that I needed him?

Shortly after his death, we moved to Minnesota. I certainly wasn't happy about that. I wasn't popular, didn't make friends easily, and quit softball and volleyball. I didn't fit in. Things turned around eventually, but the scale kept going up and up. I eventually found a group of friends that I really fit in with and became like sisters to me. I also found a side of my faith I never knew. I became active in youth groups and mission trips... but it was always more for the social aspect. I really came to love God the year we went to Denver.... It is a long story, but my life was changed when we went there. Something changed in my heart.

That faith has come and gone over the years, and that is what brings on that part of my journey- the spiritual side. I want to find my faith again. I want to welcome the Lord in my heart and have Him work in me again. I want to find a balance of faith and life that I feel comfortable with, and establish my beliefs (something I have put off for too long because I thought it was just to hard) I have begun praying regularly, and having conversations with God. It amazes me what comes up in these conversations. So many things left unsaid. So many things I have found to be grateful for instead of focusing on the bad.

This blog is going to be a random throw up of anything I am thinking. Anything that comes up in this quest I am on. Hopefully it won't be too boring...

I think that is enough of an intro for now. Welcome to my journey.